Have you ever felt like your life was at a standstill?

Even though I'll have my masters in August, even though I'm trying to get a foundation/charity started, even though things seem to be moving, I still feel stuck. It's like...what am I really doing with myself? Everything looks good on the outside, but what's happening here?

The boyfriend and I got into a mini-argument last night about marriage. I feel like everyone around me is getting married or having kids and we're just coasting along. It's not like I want to get married right this minute, but I'd like to know that there's a plan. I guess Steve Harvey's book was right, because my boyfriend gave me the spech about not being comfortable enough to marry me if he couldn't provide for me. In my mind I'm like that;s all welll and good, but when are you going to feel comfortable? I feel like I'm not getting any younger...I don't want to end up an old maid with a bunch of cats (I don't even like cats), but then again the thought of getting married scares me. I just don't know.

I'm thinking about buying a car for my birthday, even though I haven't driven a car in over a year. I guess I'd have to take some refresher lessons, but I'm tired of depending on friends or my parents to drive me around. I'm tired of taking the bus or the train everywhere. I feel like a loser when I have to ask people to drive me somewhere. I have my eye on a white '06 Mazda...I just hope it's still available when I'm ready to buy.

I'm also thinking about joining a gym. There's exercise equipment in the basement, but I'm just not motivated. I need someone to yell at me while I work out. I need to get my flabby stomach back to flat again before this cruise in August. I've lost weight, but I don't like how my body looks. My stomach is big and round, my thighs are too skinny, and my butt could stand to be toned. I'm seriously considering joining Crunch. All these exercises in the magazines are well and good, but I'm too lazy to do them.

I guess I'm just not happy.

The semester is finally over. Unfortunately, the next semester starts on Thursday. I got my grades yesterday, and I'm not happy. My GPA went from a 3.95 to a 3.6. Again, not happy. This semester was the hardest yet, and I took on another project that made it more difficult. I hope that I can focus next semester and can bring my grades back up to their almost perfect glory.

I gave in and drank the kool aid...I bought an IPod. For some reason, I'm having a lot of trouble downloading ITunes, and can't get anything done with it.

I'm supposed to be going to a baby shower that starts in half an hour, and can't get in contact with my mother. Times like these are when I realize how much I just need to get my own car. My credit isn't the best, but I hate having to rely on someone else whenever I want to go somewhere.

I don't know what to write about...summer is coming and I need to get in shape. I saw the "AbCoaster" on TV this morning and I'm seriously considering getting one. They say you can get results in 2 weeks, and it's $14.99 for a month's trial...so can I use it for 2 weeks and then send it back? I wonder...

Wow, it's really been a long time. Work, being in school, and other responsibilities have taken over my life...

-The second semester of grad school is almost done. First semester's GPA was 3.9--this semester I doubt it will be that high. In fact, I'd be surprised if it was that high.

-My boss is out on maternity leave for a while. I think I'm going to step my game up in her absence (as her boss is still there) to start setting myself up for a promotion. No, not to take over her job--just to move up into management myself.

-I'm still awake because I'm scared to go to sleep. Not because of nightmares...but because I don't want to flatten my "Easter curls."

-The S/O and I have been talking about the "migration to the DMV." Honestly, I'm really going to miss NYC if we do end up moving. The bodegas, Utica Ave., summer in the city, the fact that everything is still open at 3am. I really hope when I have kids that they'll have a little bit of the Brooklyn swagga in them.

-I'm really excited about our cruise in August. I've been buying summer clothes, but it was snowing out here last week.

-Could that be the reason why leather jackets are still so expensive? I want a new one, but I haven't found one I like at a reasonable price. I may have to get one of those no-name jackets from Square One in the mall. Or maybe the H&M one I saw that was super-thin pleather. Kidding.

-I guess I should go to sleep now, so I don't do it in church later.

It's been a while, xanga.

With school and work and everything else on my plate, I haven't found time to post. Every now and then I pop in and read, but haven't gotten around to writing myself. Since I have some time off, I figured I'd let you know what's going on.

I have officially finished my first sememster of grad school. The grades? 5 A's and an incomplete, thanks to a jerk of a professor who told me I could email him my final and then claimed he never receieved it--although I sent it to him 3 seperate times. He says he'll change it at the beginning of next semester (Jan 5th)...all I know is he better be changing it to an A. I need to send my grades somewhere so they need to look right--is a 4.0 so much to ask?

I went to a psychic. Yeah, I know, it's crazy, but I was curious. My co-worker was telling us about him and how he said she'd have children within a year--she's expecting in April. So I went to see him, and he told me stuff he couldn't possible have known. He told me about my job-he knew I worked in human resources, but that I had gone to school for English. He said after the kids, I'll be teaching English. The kids? Apparently, there will be 3 pregnancies. He told me I'd be getting married...which was my biggest fear. I swore that I was going to be an old maid and have a bunch of cats or something. It seems like every time I turn around, someone else is getting married or engaged, or starting a family. Girls I went to high school with are married with 2 and 3 kids by now. Guys I went to college with are becomming dads. People I thought would NEVER get married are engaged. And I'm still sitting around wondering if it will ever happen for me. Now I know marriage is sometimes not all it's cracked up to be, but seeing all these engaged people every time I get on facebook depresses me. The boyfriend and I have had "the talk," but it's not going to happen any time soon.

I have gained so much weight, and most of it's in my face. I'm happy to have finally moved up to a size 5/6 (from a 0), but I wish I was more toned. It is my goal to get in some kind of shape in '09. I want to gain 6 more pounds (which would make me 130), and then start getting toned and even.

I am so lazy...I call myself having a get together next Saturday. My apartment is looking like a God awful mess, from the boxes sitting in my living room, the clothes I said I was donating that are still sitting in bags, clothes all over...and I'm sitting in bed typing this.

I'm watching Cribs...who or what made Pretty Ricky think they were hot? In what universe does 2 beds pushed together equal "grown and sexy"? All this hood rich nonsense...just plain foolish.

Anyway, I'm about to go make myself usefl, try to clean up and order food for next week...the kid is not a chef, and I want to have curry chicken and roti...so I'm off.

stressed.

When a professor tells you that you look exhausted, it’s probably not a good sign. I have barely gotten any sleep this week, and the only thing I have to show for it is a half-assed, 12.5 Times New Roman double spaced 8.5 page paper on a topic I could care less about. Sadly, I still have a research paper, a paper on a film we’re supposed to watch in class tonight, a paper for my thesis, and some other paper or exam I’m sure I’ve forgotten about. School is not a game. I am dead tired and I wonder how I can stay upright these days. Red Bull is one of my best friends. Starbucks Double Shot Espresso is the other.

Why did I think this school thing would be easy? I saw other people who have gotten the degree and though, “If they can do it, I definitely can do it,” but maybe I was wrong. It’s only the first semester and I’m feeling burnt out. Four more weeks and maybe I can relax. I know I must be stressed, because I forgot all about the Maxwell concert this Friday. I’m doing schoolwork at home, schoolwork at work…if I could figure out a way to type papers on my blackberry, I’m sure I’d be doing that too.

Have I taken on too much? Everybody keeps telling me “Oh, you can do it. You can write an 8 page paper in your sleep.” Really? ‘Cause it didn’t quite work out that way. To have a professor tell me that if I’m complaining then it must be hard…”You’re feeling like that? You’re the star of the class, you can’t feel like that!” Seriously? You’re just adding more pressure on top of the expectations that everyone else has of me, and the expectations I have of myself. Yes, I want to make the Honor Society. Yes, I want to get straight A’s. Yes, I want to make the people who put in a good word for me not look bad. But it’s a lot of pressure. I guess that’s why I liked undergrad. Because no one knew who I was, or who my family was….I could just do me and not have to worry about how it would reflect on anyone else.

I am stressed. And I really just want it all to be over. And I can’t even register for the next semester of torture because I never did what I was supposed to do (hand in my transcripts) because I kept forgetting about it and never even sent the checks to the schools to ask for them…and now the time is drawing near that I need to hand in the stuff I forgot to hand in or else I won’t be allowed to register. I. Am. Stressed.